Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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