i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
