He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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