Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
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How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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