I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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