My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
