It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
