If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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