dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
