she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
