btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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