No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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