im six kinds of drunk right now
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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