Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
