Pants 0. Shit 1.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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