: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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