so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
