She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
