roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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