You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
