At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
