I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
