Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
