I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
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He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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