Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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