So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
