My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
