I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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