I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this beer tastes like vomit already
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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