I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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