I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
