Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
