I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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