I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
