I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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