I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dick very happy bro
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
