if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
