Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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