idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
