Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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