im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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