we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
