just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He passed out mid-signature
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
