I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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