Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
