I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
