Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
