I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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