I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
