my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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