How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
