All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
