Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
