I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
