He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
