I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
