Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
